Wednesday, September 15, 2010

I'm Being Assassinated by Hiccups

Ninja Hiccups

They look like that.
I imagine...

I'm not actually sure what they look like, because like most ninjas, they are invisible.

I really hope I don't die from this, because that would be a super pathetic way to die. But I have a tiny little man, clad in black, roundhouse kicking me in the heart/lungs/throat at random points. I think he just finds it funny to watch everyone stare at me.

Stop staring! I can't control it!

I wonder if it's possible, with practice, to embrace the power of the hiccups, and use them to my advantage in hand to hand combat. Random bursts of power from deep within, repelling down my muscles and coming at your face. Sounds terrifying to me. Unfortunately I rarely have to participate in hand to hand combat. And I'm really not all that terrifying to begin with.

I am doing all in my power to defeat these evil dark shadow hiccups of death and destruction... I have tried drowning them, ignoring them... and now I am trying complaining about it on my blog. Maybe that will work.

Someone should just try and scare me. That might work. Unfortunately I am quite attentive to my surroundings, and it is quite difficult to scare me. (BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA... oh man that was funny. I'm funny.)

Yes, I'm quite attentive to the assortment of low hanging branches, poles, and obscure people that I run into all the time.

I truly do fear for those who jump out at me, though. Why? Have you ever seen that awesome video that I'm going to post right here right now?

Well now you have. That is what I do whenever I get startled. I will lash out at the thing that scared me, instantly and instinctively. People have bled before (probably).

I do not feel remorse, however... because I am just a wild animal. People know better than to try and put a saddle on a bear, or dive face first into a pool of piranhas, or steal a lion cub from it's mommy. They should also know better than to threaten me in any way, shape, or form. You never know what might happen.

Well I know what would probably happen

I'll probably hit you in the face/chest/arm/kidney (depending on how tall you are and how you are facing me) and then run backwards, either screaming or in stunned silence, with my fists raised. After that I'll probably fall over in a fit of laughter, and walk away with a light apology, singing Journey. That's just what I do. But I am getting more dangerous every day. That's why I don't go to haunted houses.

Just wait for that day when I harness the immeasurable power of the ninja hiccups of death.

I will take over the world.

And this is how Lindsey's thought process usually goes, ladies and gentlemen...
You're welcome.


Anonymous said...


M-Cat said...

I enjoy your thought process! prolly cause I can follow right along!

The Heaps said...

You make me laugh.

The Heaps said...

Thank you by the way.....for making me laugh.

Cheeseboy said...

Ha ha! Have you tried standing on your head?

Darn those ninjas!

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